But for many people, given the choice of simply walking away or trying to save their marriage (even in the face of an affair,) many people opt to at least attempt to rescue the marriage. Unfortunately, just the wish to do this is not always enough. And, even if the words aren’t spoken, many people are thinking things like “can the marriage really be OK again or am I always going to feel this doubt and this pain deep down while I soldier on bravely and remain unhappy?”
Because remaining married, taking one for the team, and keeping a stiff upper lip might mean that you’re still hanging on, but does it mean that you’re happy and thriving? There’s a difference between saving your marriage for appearances and for the sake of the family and REALLY saving it so that you’re genuinely happy and in a good place. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Saving Your Marriage In The Right Way After An Affair Means Having The Difficult Discussions And Fixing The Shadow Problems Without Always Needing To Be Right And Keeping Score: I think most of us know that wife who took her husband back after his affair, but who is always deep down bitter, resentful, and full of distrust. I think it’s safe to say that none of us want to be this wife. None of us want to allow our lives to be filled with distrust, low self esteem, and extreme anger. And we don’t intend for this to happen in the beginning. But, dealing with a spouse’s infidelity can bring up a slew of issues and pain that we just never envisioned. It’s not fair to be handed this fate by someone else. But, be that as it may, it really comes down to a conscious choice sometimes between being happy and being right and keeping score.
And only you know what is really going to be right for you and what is going to truly make you happy. Sometimes, we worry too much about appearances, about what other people think, and what we “should do.” Although this is understandable, this will sometimes set you back and keep you from really getting what you want. And, another trap that many of us fall into is score keeping and punishing. We are so angry at our spouse for this betrayal. We feel like he needs to feel our pain and to make this up to us. So, we fling all sorts of hurtful things his way in a subconscious way to make them pay for the pain we feel.
What we often don’t realize is that by continuing to punish him, we’re only continuing to wound ourselves. Yes, getting over an affair does take time. There are many issues that will need to be addressed and worked through. The trust needs to be restored and the affection and empathy needs to return. This takes time and can’t be rushed. But, once you’ve done this work, you’ll need to come to a decision as to if you can and are willing to let this go. Many of us cling so tightly to this not realizing that by doing so, we’re only allowing it to continue to hurt us.
Yes, the spouse who cheated was in the wrong. This is usually not in question. But being wrong and being right just puts the both of you on opposing sides. I really like the phrase “do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy” because sometimes being right and clinging so tightly to what is fair only forces us to dwell on the things that hurt us most. And at some point, to really be happy, we have to be willing to move on.
And, we have to be willing to really dig to find out what went wrong and why. Both people have to take responsibility for any part they played in what happened. This doesn’t mean the cheating spouse gets a pass. They don’t. But, saving the marriage after infidelity takes effort on the part of both parties. Yes, this may be awkward and painful. Yes, it is very tempting not to “go there.” But, if you have the courage to face these issues and work through them, you will be greatly rewarded with peace of mind and confidence going forward. You must have this so that the doubt doesn’t follow you around and thwart you going forward.
You Must Get Help If You Need It And You Must Really Believe That The Marriage Can Not Only Be Saved, It Can Be Better: I believe 100% that repairing your marriage after infidelity is just going to take some time. But, if much time has passed and you feel that you’re still in a lot of pain and aren’t making sufficient progress, there is no shame in getting the help that you need. Sometimes, you’re just too close to the situation to have the objectivity that is needed to begin to move forward.
Here’s another important point. If you leave something on the table in terms of your marriage, then you will leave yourself more vulnerable to continuing to look back. Having a marriage that makes you happy and that is better than before makes you much less more likely to want to keep living in the past. When you’re happy, confident, and have plenty to look forward to, then you’re likely going to turn your attention toward the future instead of the past. This is why it’s so important to believe that you can still have a healthy and happy marriage and to keep moving toward that goal.
Relentlessly Working On Yourself And Your Confidence Is An Important Part Of Rebuilding The Marriage After Infidelity: Finally, I want to touch on rebuilding your self worth. In order to decisively move forward and to believe that things are really going to be OK and that you really do deserve and will settle for nothing less than what you really want, you must believe in yourself. It’s hard to do this when you’ve been dealt this type of betrayal. Keep your eye on the prize. Know that you are worth it, that you can handle this, and that you deserve the best that life has to offer.
The thing is, you’re not very likely to believe that you and the marriage are worth fighting for if you deep down doubt this yourself, which is why self esteem and self worth is just as important as the other issues that surround this process.
Saving my marriage after my husband’s affair took a lot of time, hard work and effort, but it was worth it because I now understand him, our marriage, and myself much more intimately. This has strengthened our marriage, and I no longer worry that he is going to cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
You must log in to post a comment.