It Often Takes Strength To Save Your Marriage After Cheating Or An Affair. Just Walking Away Is Much Easier: It bothers me that the whole “sign of weakness” label goes onto women who chose to fight for their marriage and their family. Because quite honestly, there are times when it would really be so much easier to just throw up your hands and give up. Working through infidelity is hard, vulnerable work. It is certainly not the easy way out, if you do it correctly.
What do I mean by this? Well, there are couples that “work” through an affair by just trying to forget about it. They turn a blind eye and they pretend that it never happened. This is probably the stereotypical easy way out. However, couples who are in this for the long haul and who want to rebuild a healthy marriage have a lot of obstacles to over come and jumping through these hoops are not for the weak at heart. Make no mistake. This is hard work that leaves you feeling vulnerable and unsure. But, because you love your family and you still love your husband, you put one foot in front of the other and slog through. There is nothing weak about that.
You Should Know That We Don’t Give Our Husbands A Free Pass: Many people assume that if you take your husband back after cheating, that you just forgive and forget one day and that he gets off totally free with only a weak apology or an cursory “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” This is absolutely not the case for most of us. No, we usually only come to this decision once we know deep in our hearts that he’s deeply sorry. And very few of us just blindly take his word for it. We wait. We observe. We compare his actions with what he’s saying to see if he’s believable. We watch him like a hawk. We take regular inventory to see if anything feels off. We require that he do the necessary work that needs to be done in order for us to feel secure again. We require either counseling or frequent “checking in.” In short, we don’t agree to move on until we are personally satisfied that he’s trustworthy and that the relationship is workable to our satisfaction.
It’s Not Weakness To Save Your Family: At the end of the day, taking back a cheating husband is a decision that is not made lightly. Most of us have children to consider - children who would likely grow up without a father in the household should we decide to take the easy road and just walk away. Ultimately, we will consider the totality of our marriage, whether it was a good one, and whether the past justifies the future. At the end of the day, most of us vow not to let one mistake in a life time of redeeming qualities destroy everything that we worked so hard to build. We aren’t going to throw our family away over one person who is now gone.
If You Worry That You Would Appear Weak If You Took Him Back?: I often have people ask me how they over come this fear that taking him back would show weakness. The answer is to make sure that you’ve weighed everything and that you know that you are taking him back for the right reasons. You need to know that he is truly sorry. You need to know that you are both going to determine why this happened and then work tirelessly to ensure that it doesn’t happen again. You need to know that the other person is completely out of the picture. You need to know that he’s willing to check in and be accountable for as long as this takes. And, you need to know that you too will work on yourself and on rebuilding your self esteem so that you aren’t always doubtful.
You need to be very clear on the fact that should this ever happen again, that would be an absolute deal breaker. He needs to know that there are no second chances. But you need to know that your reasons for taking him back are valid and are your own. This is no one’s business but yours. You are the one living within your marriage and whether you want to stay in it or not is up to you. But, you should not worry about what others think. They have not and will not have walked in your shoes and aren’t able to evaluate your situation objectively. Only you can do that. And only you know that you aren’t being weak at all. You will know when you have what you need and can more forward with certainty and with hope.
Do not worry about what others think should you decide to take your husband back. I used to have the same doubts, but one day I decided that this was my decision to make, and I’m glad that I made it. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
Katie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair. Her corresponding blog is at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
You must log in to post a comment.