First of all, if you are right and they are in fact cheating, then there’s a reason (although it may not be a good one) that they’ve chosen to go behind your back and cheat on you rather than discussing whatever issues or problems that they (or your relationship) might be having. Before they made the decision to be unfaithful, they very likely went through any moral dilemmas, any guilt, and also weighed the pros and cons.
For whatever reason, (if you’re suspicions are right about them cheating,) they decided to go ahead and take action anyway. At that point, the proverbial line was drawn in the sand. There’s no going back. Any doubt or guilt that might make them admit the truth would have likely been persuasive enough to stop them before anything happened.
So, if you’re hoping to accuse them of cheating and then hope to get a confession, you have to know that the odds of having success with this are typically not very high. In truth, you have to know that you really get one chance at this. Once the accusations leaves your lips, there is no turning back. So, if the outcome is important to you, it’s my opinion that it’s sometimes advisable to be careful how you play this.
People so often tell me that their accusation was disastrous. I honestly think that part of the reason for this is that some people go into this process wanting conflicting things. Yes, they want to know the truth. They truly want to know if their loved one is cheating. But, they are also hoping that get a remorseful confession in which their loved one ask for forgiveness and admits their mistakes. If you come in and take an accusatory tone, you are less likely to get either of these things.
In fact, accusing someone of anything will usually put that same person on the defensive. Even if your accusations are true, most people will have the inclination to make a very quick and indignant denial. You also run the risk of them trying to turn this whole thing around on you to make you the bad guy or the unstable one who is seeing things that just don’t exist.
Finally, there’s always the chance that you’re wrong and they aren’t cheating. Making an accusation that turns out to be false could well hurt your relationship and harm the trust that you’ve likely worked hard to build. People often understand these explanations, but they will often respond with something like “well, what are I supposed to do? Know that they’re cheating on me but not say anything and not take any actions?”
No, that’s not what I am saying. I actually advocate taking action by digging a little deeper and following up on any clues on your own BEFORE you make accusations. It’s just much easier to have the conversation with confidence if you know what you’re actually dealing with. Making an accusation is like digging around in the dark when all you really need to do is to turn the light on. There are usually too many unknowns for an accusation to go well.
I was in this same situation a short time ago. My heart knew that he was cheating, but my head didn’t want to acknowledge it. But after thinking on it for a long time, I decided that I really wanted to know the truth, no matter what that truth was. I learned how to get concrete information and proof that my husband thought that he had hid and erased. This made me angry enough to present this evidence to him, and he had no choice but to come clean. You can read a very personal story at http://catch-the-cheating.com/
Seeta Dean’s catch cheating website is at http://catch-the-cheating.com/
