“I’m sorry,” he offers with a sympathetic smile, but what else is there he can offer me?
“I feel a little nauseous tonight too,” I respond. “I wonder if I should eat some crackers or something. . . or if that would just upset my stomach more. It has to be the medications. It will probably pass soon.” Before I can finish my sentence he is already asleep.
For many of us, we have a deep friendship with our spouse. If we share a good relationship we want to share our deepest thoughts that are running through our brain. And even if our relationship isn’t as good as it once was, we may feel that by explaining a bit about the pain that we are experiencing, our spouse may actually understand our moodiness better and be a bit more loving.
We don’t want to be a burden and share about every ache and pain we experience. What a boring one-sided conversation that would be! But when we are hurting, we have a desire for those who are closest to us to validate our pain. By talking about what invisible pain feels like, it somehow has the ability to make it real . It’s not just “in our head.”
Galatians 6:2 tells us “Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” At some point we must carry these burdens to the Lord, as well as a close friend, rather than just count on our spouse to carry the burden of listening about each ache.
Your spouse may not be in physical pain but he or she is still grieving many losses that we need to acknowledge can be just as emotional as our losses. Perhaps his coping with the loss of watching you lose your abilities to do things you love; he misses the fun things you used to do together as a couple that are now too physically demanding for you to do; he may be frustrated that even his hugs can be painful for you! Counselors have agreed that they typically see the same top three problems in marriages: money, time and physical intimacy.
When it comes to chronic illness in a marriage, it’s not unusual to have all three of these be influential in problems you are experiencing. Chronic illness adds a weighty burden to each of these. How can we learn to “share our burdens” within our marriage, yet also know when to not dish out our burdens one after the other onto our spouse?
Be a team with your spouse
It’s you and your spouse “up against” the illness. Although you may feel like your spouse is merely a spectator, intentionally make him a part of your team fighting the battle of pain, in whatever way he is most comfortable.
Ask your spouse if you can share some information about your illness so he has a better idea of what you are going through, but don’t overwhelm him. If he is willing to attend a few doctors appointments with you, let him, and give him time to ask the doctor his own questions. For example, giving him a brochure may be better than handing him a 250-page book. If he listens to podcasts, find some that would be beneficial for him to listen to. Acknowledge that there may be role or responsibility shifts in the marriage due to the illness. Be open about what you are struggling with and where you need help. For example, if you can no longer scrub that bathroom but, let him know before the grime gets out of hand.
Connie Kennemer lives with multiple sclerosis and she candidly shares that struggle that it can be to find the right balance and word. “I am not as mobile as I used to be and I often ask more of my husband such as ‘Can you work at home this afternoon?’ or ‘Why do you have to go to another meeting?’ How much should he accommodate me because my body is changing? He doesn’t always know when to stop and encourage me to try things myself. This is a constant challenge.”
Be reasonable in your expectations
We often marry someone who has our opposite personality style. If you need to read every article about your illness, but your spouse doesn’t, it may simply be because your spouse has a more laissez faire attitude, not because he doesn’t care. His response to a crisis may appear to be nonchalant on the outside, but it doesn’t mean he is not worried and concerned about you.
On the other hand, maybe you take things as they come and don’t want to get on the internet and read every detail about the symptoms you may have. Your spouse may wonder why you aren’t more interested in finding out how to best treat (and even cure) this disease. He may go as far as to accuse you of being in denial about your illness. He may want to see you be more passionate about being healed than you are. A wonderful book that will help you smooth out some of your communication is “Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti” by Bill and Pam Farrell.
Have information about your illness available for when he is ready
Sometimes we can just talk in circles about our pain and illness, never really getting to anything specific or a topic that can help our marriage grow. Perhaps one of the most effective tools to share something is to place sticky notes on pages of a books you’d like him to review with comments about topics you’d like to discuss. You can hand it to him and say, “There is a great example in this book about what we are experiencing right now. Would you be willing to read it and then maybe we can talk about it later?” Shares Connie, “After ten years of living with MS, I am past the whiney stage, but Rex sometimes holds back; that’s when I need to ask him more questions about his feelings.”
Find ways to share about embarrassing parts of the illness
Let’s get real. There are some illnesses that may cause you to spend a good portion of an event you attend together, not at the event, but in the bathroom. Let your spouse know this is part of the disease. Health organizations have brochures that list some of the symptoms of the illness, including these kinds of facts. You can say, “I’m dealing with some of the more embarrassing symptoms of this illness right now. I don’t really want to sit around and talk about them, but they are in this brochure in case you are interested in understanding what I am going through.” You don’t have t share details to keep him informed.
Find other effective outlets for when you need to vent
“I realized that I held in all of my frustrations of pain throughout the day and then when my husband walked through the door I verbally ‘threw’ them him.” shares Cheryl, who lives with chronic fatigue syndrome. “My actions set the tone for the rest of the evening. I may have felt better because I got it off of my chest, but he felt worse and it lasted the whole evening. I could tell he was starting to dread walking through the door.”
To rectify this Cheryl started to put aside the last couple of hours each day before her spouse came home write in her journal, pray or do something she enjoyed that was calming. “Writing in my journal gave me the chance to express my frustrations; prayer really began to minimize the negativity too. My husband quickly noticed a difference and it’s made our relationship so much stronger.”
Find some ways to get involved in your community or a special hobby
How do you spend your time? A lot of time we may be talking about our illness because we don’t have much more going on in our lives other than trips to the doctors or to the lab. Get involved in something else, even if it’s just a couple hours a week. For example, volunteer to be on a prayer chain, start reading through the classic books you’ve always wanted to read, put together photo albums for your grandchildren. You will soon discover that even you aren’t that interested in talking about your illness when you have much more exciting things to share about.
Conclusion
So. . . How much is too much? It’s different for each person and each marriage relationship. Learn to look at your situation objectively. How many times are you bringing up your illness? How are you benefiting from talking about it more than necessary? Do you need understanding? Validation? Perhaps you need actual physical help with tasks. Ask yourself if talking about your illness could be a way of getting your spouse’s attention, and this seems to be the only thing he responds to? Regardless of whether it is attention, acknowledgment or understanding, how can you get this from God instead? How is it negatively affecting your life or those around you?
Next, stop and ask yourself “Is there a better, more creative way that I can create intimacy with my spouse, other than just sharing my aches and pains? How can we grow closer together? What activities can we still share?”
And then when you want to share more about your pain or illness say a prayer first: “Lord, You know I don’t want to burden anyone else, especially when they cannot fix it. I really need a hug from you right now. I know that my spouse cares about me and wants to encourage me, even when he doesn’t always show it the way I want; please give me the wisdom to know when to ask for help and comfort from him/her and when to come only to You and ask you to fulfill all of my emotional needs.”
You will find more articles and overall support while living with chronic illness visit Rest Ministries and subscribe to fresh content and be entered for our monthly giveaway. Lisa Copen is the director of Rest Ministries, author of “Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend” and founder behind National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week.
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