This is sometimes frustrating to me because the intention in sharing my experiences is not to discourage anyone. Everyone is different and every one processes and handles a spouse’s affair in various ways. What ended up working for me may not be the answer for someone else.
Additionally, I don’t want for anyone to think that my process was not a struggle or that there were times when my marriage almost did not make it. There were many long lasting struggles and there were days when I was sure that the affair was going to end our marriage. There were days when this process challenged who I thought I was or what I could handle. But, I really feel that my surviving this had less to do with my personality, strength or diplomacy and more to do with the fact that I eventually become quite determined to have this end up in the way that I wanted it to. And, to be honest, my children were the driving force behind much of my determination. Had I only had myself to worry about, I might have thrown in the towel.
Nonetheless, in the following article, I will discuss those things were I thought were the most pivotal in helping me survive (and to eventually thrive) after my husband’s affair. As I said, everyone is different and these things might not work for you. But if they offer someone something positive to take away from this, or even a little relief, then these insights are certainly worth sharing.
I Eventually Decided That My Husband’s Affair Wasn’t All About Me: There was a long period of time when I was very tempted to blame myself. No matter how many times you read and hear that this wasn’t your fault, it’s very hard to believe this when an affair happens to you. Most of us aren’t as young or carefree as we used to be. So, there’s this little voice in the back of our heads telling us that if we hadn’t let ourselves go, or didn’t take our husband for granted, or weren’t too tired or too inattentive, then the affair wouldn’t have happened to us.
It’s so easy to let these thoughts take over. But it’s also a dangerous habit to fall into. Because when you lack self esteem and self confidence, then the things that just might save your marriage or allow you to move on as an individual don’t work as well because you’re continuously bogged down with these doubts. You don’t believe that anything is going to work to make this better because deep down, you worry that you don’t deserve it or you’re not worthy.
It’s so vital that you don’t buy into the blame game, even if it’s your husband who is implying this. I did a lot of research and talked to a lot of specialists who all told me that men have affairs become of what is lacking within them, not because of what is lacking within their wives. Once you are able to embrace that this wasn’t your fault, it becomes easier to be a little “selfish” and to focus on restoring your self esteem. I believe that focusing on improving myself so that I (not him) was happy, was one of the key things that got me through this.
When Something Didn’t Work, I Discarded It And Found Something That Did: Early on, my husband and I went to a counselor that I came to loathe. I don’t want to imply that I don’t fully support marital counseling after an affair. I absolutely do. But this particular counselor and I just clashed in many ways. And for a long time, our marriage got worse and not better. I became very discouraged and almost took this to mean that our marriage just could not survive this or wasn’t meant to be. But one day, one of the few trusted friends that I confided in finally told me: “There is more than one counselor available to you. If this one isn’t helping you, find one who is. Are you going to let this one set back stop you? This is your life we’re talking about. If something isn’t working, find something else.”
At first, I was stunned that she would speak to me so harshly. But, after I calmed down, I realized she was absolutely right. After a husband’s affair, we are already on thin emotional ground and the tenancy is to let the workable issues to morph into big issues. When one thing doesn’t work out, resist the urge to take this as an omen that everything is not going to work out. If something isn’t working for you, there is nothing wrong with removing that obstacle and trying something else. I actually suspect that if we had stayed with our initial counselor, we may not still be married today.
I Determined What I Really Wanted And Tried To Remain Focused On What Was Most Important To Me: When I was trying to work through my husband’s affair, I met someone who had been through the same thing. She ultimately gave me the advise which I believe saved my marriage (although I don’t think she realizes this.) She was always so patient and kind and she was the best listener. For weeks, I would vent whenever we were together. It felt so good to be able to confide in someone who knew what I was going through.
But one day after a long lunch focused on my continuing to vent, she looked at me and calmly said: “I wonder what you truly want.” I was a bit taken aback and replied: “I’m not sure what you mean.” And, she responded: “Well, it seems to me that right now, you want to be angry. But, what about next month? Or next year? What do you really want then?”
I stammered and replied that I wanted my old life back. She said she doubted this because it’s difficult to turn back the clock and, even if I could, there were probably long festering issues that I wouldn’t want to revisit. She continued to prod and asked: “Deep down, what do you really want to happen from this process?”
A light bulb finally went off in my head and I blurted (almost without thinking) “I just want to be happy again. I want my family back. I want for my children to have their father and I want a husband who loves me enough not to betray me again.” Of course, I immediately started to sob because I knew that I had hit the nail on the head.
My friend comforted me and said “I know that was painful. But you must remember it. When you’re working through this in the days and weeks ahead, keep in mind what you just told me. This must be your focus. You’re angry mostly because you fear that you won’t get what you really want. The anger will start to fade when you prove to yourself that you can have these things.”
So, my surviving my husband’s affair wasn’t due to my super human ability to forgive or even to hang in there. It was largely due to my friend’s ability to help me see what I truly wanted. And, every time I began to feel myself loosing control of my anger or worrying that everything was hopeless, I reminded myself of what I really wanted and just kept moving toward what was really important. And that truly made all of the difference.
Want to hear the rest of the story? Surviving The Affair is a blog I put together to share the story behind this article. You can read more about the entire thing at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
Katie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair. Her corresponding blog is at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
